current availability
As of June 1, 2022 I am no longer accepting couples as clients.
I will continue to work with individuals to clarify and strengthen their relationships. We do not grow in isolation and we do not struggle in isolation. All of our relationships matter.
Suggestion for finding a couples counselor - Use PsychologyToday and the "Find a Therapist" directory; add Gottman trained/certified to your search parameters; then look at websites; and have a conversation with a few that you like. Referrals from friends or family are also important resources. The Gottman Institute also has a provider directory.
The information below can inform your conversations with your partner or provide a starting point for discussion with a therapist.
relationship counseling
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
Many couples enter therapy with this popular myth regarding love: that being and staying ‘in love’ is the ideal. The truth is that lasting relationships mature into a deeper and more quietly loving connection.
healthier approaches for relationships
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
I frequently see couples who want to improve their relationships. No matter what the nature of the relationship, there is always the opportunity for vital growth, renewing intimacy and resolution.
For an appointment call 214.824.2009
compatibility - chemistry - commitment
“We still love each other; we’re just not ‘in love’ anymore.”
compatibility - chemistry - commitment
These can be
Areas of Strength
or Areas of Difficulty
compatibility
compatibility
compatibility - chemistry - commitment
Compatibility - Successful couples consider this the most important element.
Pitfalls
Chronic dissatisfaction - We can’t seem to please each other, no matter what we do or say.
Lack of communication - Conversations between us either don’t exist or they are hostile, manipulative, or avoid real issues.
Values discrepancy - We have lost respect for one another’s personal standards, which creates conflict.
Co-dependency - Our sense of identity and self-worth depends on the relationship.
chemistry
compatibility
commitment
Chemistry - Less than 10% of those in successful relationships feel chemistry is the most important element.
Pitfalls
Lack of libido - Our romantic encounters - if they exist at all - seem perfunctory and mechanical.
Idealizing the past - I am spending more time missing the sex we used to have than valuing/improving the sex we are having.
Resentment - I perceive wrongs, real or imagined, that stand in the way of intimacy. Forgiveness is impossible.
commitment
compatibility
commitment
Commitment - Successful relationships evolve from easy and natural infatuation into the ability to maintain a mature and loving relationship.
Pitfalls
Distancing - I feel I don’t matter anymore and withdraw from meaningful interaction.
Dishonesty - The discovery of lying, deception or betrayal - including infidelity - undermines our relationship.
Lack of common goals - We are unable to “grow something together,” like a hobby, business, cause or budget for the future.
External Factors - Elements outside our relationship erode intimacy, and we often blame each other for the intrusion.
healthier relationships
compatibility qualities
We share interests that lie outside our physical relationship.
I feel a strong sense of independence within my relationship.
My partner seldom displays annoyance or impatience at what I do or say and respects my ideas and point of view.
We find ways to spend more time together than apart.
We find each other fun to live with and frequently laugh together.
Our backgrounds have much in common and we enjoy our differences.
We know how to fight and negotiate fairly.
chemistry qualities
We look forward to safe and consensual sexual intimacy.
We are both comfortable with our sexual orientation.
Conversation with my partner is effortless and interesting.
I feel a sense of validation and connection in my relationship.
I have a positive body image.
We are patient with each other sexually.
We use romance and affection to express love.
We both like to learn more about how to please each other sexually.
For an appointment call
214.824.2009
commitment qualities
My partner feels close to and loved by me.
My partner and I deal with money and job pressures in positive ways.
We are both looking forward to the same future.
We encourage each other to do well.
My partner and I never allow our families or close friends to undermine our relationship.
We easily forgive each other after disagreements and conflicts.
My partner and I never verbally or physically attack each other during conflicts.
couples contract for counseling
Couples Counseling Commitment
While in counseling with my partner, I pledge:
To make every attempt to be present for every session and ready to work;
To attend a final session with my partner should I decide to stop therapy;
To cease and/or minimize the use of any recreational drugs and alcohol;
To cease engaging in any intimate emotional and/or physical relationships outside of our partnership, even if our relationship has been open in the past;
To keep trying all of the homework exercises no matter how silly or embarrassing they may seem;
To give my partner a minimum of 10 genuine demonstrations of affection a day without expecting sex or affection in return;
To do one special thing for myself each day that does not require any action from my partner nor jeopardize me physically, emotionally, or financially;
To do whatever it takes to accept my partner exactly the way they are which does not include placing myself at emotional, physical, or financial risk.
I have read this commitment thoroughly and have had an explanation of everything not initially understood. I have been given a signed copy.
Print client names _____________________________________________
Signed by ___________________________________ Date _____________
Signed by ___________________________________ Date _____________
Witnessed by ________________________________ Date _____________
Developed by Deborah Gay Beckman, MS, LPC, NCC Copyright 1994; Revised 2014, 2018
Would you sign?
The one item that gives people the most pause is - To do whatever it takes to accept my partner exactly the way they are which does not include placing myself at emotional, physical, or financial risk.